Cable Excess/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Hey, you ever notice that it's like "The Beachcombers" around here? Brent Leroy: Yeah, if you replace the ocean with no ocean at all, the similarities are eerie. Hank: No, no, no. Think about it. The Ruby is Molly's... Wanda Dollard: So Lacey is Molly? She's gonna love that. Hank: And I'd be Relic. Wanda: You could be the chunk of deadwood that gets hauled off at the start. Brent: You think maybe "The Beachcombers" was the best Canadian TV show of all time? Wanda: I always kinda liked "Street Legal." Oscar Leroy: "Street Legal" sucked. Hank: OK, he should be Relic. Hank: Darn it! Lacey Burrows: Did you just say "darn it?" What are you, one of the "Brady Bunch?" Wanda: I thought we were "The Beachcombers?" Hank: It's a cable van. Those jerks are coming to disconnect my cable. Wanda: Whoa, this is a tough call for me. Whose side should I be on? I mean, generally I dislike the cable companies but specifically, I dislike Hank. Lacey: It's better to be specific. Brent: Fill it up? Cable Guy: Please. Brent: OK, how about I do it next Tuesday sometime between 8 and 4? Cable Guy: That's a good one. I'm not a repairman though, I'm a production technician. Brent: Oh, then, installing, uninstalling? Cable Guy: No, no, no, someone complained that Dog River wasn't getting enough local access programming so I'm here to help produce some. Brent: Someone from Dog River complained we weren't getting enough local access shows? Oscar: Hey, why aren't there any shows about Dog River on this stupid channel? Peggy: I believe we're talking to Oscar Leroy. Oscar, I've told you before, your question has to be about pets. Oscar: Why is this stupid pet show on? Brent: Well, I hope you get a good welcome here. People don't always like the cable companies. Cable Guy: I don't think they really dislike us. Brent: Well, you'd have a better sense of it that me. Lacey: Hank, when are you gonna pay for the eggs I gave you? Hank: Cut off my cable, you get egged. Lacey: Well, I'm gonna have to cut you off if you don't pay your tab. Hank: Oh yeah? Well, don't be surprised if you get egged. Hey, could I borrow some more eggs? Davis Quinton: This the van that was egged? Brent: If I had to guess. Cable Guy: I want whoever did this caught. Karen Pelly: Oh well, maybe we can do it next Tuesday, sometime between 8 and 4? Cable Guy: Good one. Look, I don't want any trouble here. I'm just here to put some local people on TV. Davis: We'll get on this right away. Davis: Here's what we got so far. It's called "Dog River Crimestoppers." Karen: Sounds OK. Davis: And I think as senior officer, I should be the one on camera describing the crime. Karen: That makes sense. Davis: It's just that I have this commanding presence and I think that I... Karen: I'm fine with it. Davis: I just wish you wouldn't make a big deal out of this. Karen: Davis, you can be the one on TV. Davis: Fine. But I'm not digging your passive aggressiveness. Wanda: So, what kinda show does this guy want? Emma Leroy: Oh, it could be anything. It's cable access. A knitting show, a cooking show...a knitting show. Lacey: Back home on our cable station, they used to put this video of a burning fire log on every winter. Wanda: A log? That was the show? Lacey: Yeah, oh, it was just burning. It's very soothing. Lacey's Mom: Turn that stupid log off Lacey, you've been watching it all day. Lacey's Dad: Ah, leave it on. At least she's being quiet. Emma: Sounds boring. What about a knitting show? Wanda: OK, you gotta let that go. What about a talk show, the three of us? Lacey: OK, now that is a great idea. Three generations of Dog River woman. Wanda: What do you mean three generations? Lacey: I just, what I meant... Emma: What she meant was that we've all lived here for different amounts of time, right? Lacey: You read my mind. OK, what kind of talk show? Wanda: I've always kinda liked "The View." We could do something like that. Lacey: Mmm-hmm. Wanda: We could call it, um... Emma: "The View." That's a good name. Lacey: Nah, nah. I think the people at "The View" might have something to say about that. Wanda: Like I'm afraid of "The View." U.S. Network Lawyer (phone): I'll get on it right away. U.S. Network Lawyer: Linda, I have to sue some place called Sas-catch-a-jam. It's in Canada or Minnesota or something. Look it up and get them on the phone. Wanda: Just ignore that. We can come up with the title later. Hank: Hey Brent, I gotta confess something. Brent: Do you really? Hank: I egged the cable van. Brent: What is it with you and egging things? Hank: Why re-invent the wheel? You know, now I feel guilty. I found out he's not here to cut off my cable, I feel my heart pounding. I mean, he's gonna hear it. It's gonna be like, um, one of those telltale hearts, you know, like in that Edgar Allan Poe story, the...what's it called, um... Brent: "The Telltale Heart?" Hank: No, I don't think so. Brent: Yeah, you're right. I just made that name up. I don't know Hank, you might get away with it. Hank: Fat chance. Cable guys know everything. Cable Guy: I don't know about that. Emma: But it could work, right? Wanda: Different views, engaging viewpoints, and it's local access so we could just call it "The View." Lawyer: Oh, we will sue them. I just can't find the place. Cable Guy: Sounds like a fine show. But I'm not the person that makes these things happen. I'm just here to supply the equipment. Lacey: Well, who decides what show gets made? Cable Guy: Well, the person who made the complaint. Emma: So, what do you think? Oscar: I don't know. Where's the gotcha? Where's the water cooler? Maybe if you had an ostrich. You don't talk about it, it's just there. Ostrich. Think about it. Cable Guy: Can I get some take-out coffee please? Lacey: Yeah, how about sometime between 8 and 4 next Tuesday? Cable Guy: That's a good one. Lacey: Yeah, I have a pretty unique sense of humour, so...OK. I'll get you your coffee. Karen: We pitched Oscar the crime stoppers show and he wanted us to put an ostrich in it. Davis: Maybe we could have been more flexible about that? Or at least considered some kind of large bird. Lacey: You know, he wanted us to do the same thing with our show. And then he said we should be wearing roller skates. Emma: I'll get rid of Oscar. Emma: I can't believe you let the cable company trick you like this. Oscar: Trick me? Emma: You're doing all the work. For free. Oscar: They think they can trick me? Emma: You shouldn't have to deal with us. You have your own show ideas. Oscar: I bet they think they can trick me! Emma: Let them find somebody else to trick. Oscar: 'Cause they're not gonna trick me! Brent: You trying to trick me? Cable Guy: I just need a point person. Someone to represent the community. Karen: Just don't add any dumb ideas. Davis: Karen, be flexible. I'm sure Brent has a lot of good ideas. Lacey: Karen's right, no dumb ideas. Brent: So I just listen to their yap, yap, yap and then let 'em do their dopey shows? I can do that for ya. And you can all relax, I won't play favourites. You'll each get to make your show. Cable Guy: Actually, just one show and you have to pick which one gets made. Lacey: Making our own TV show's gonna be fun. Wanda: I am really looking forward to doing this with you guys. Emma: The three of us together can really make this work. Wanda: Cheers! Lacey: Totally unreasonable! Emma: You wanted to ruin this from the start! Wanda: You're both outta your minds! I'm doing my own show! Emma and Lacey: So am I! Hank: I need to talk to you. I have a friend who egged the cable van. Oscar: I knew it! I knew someone in town egged the cable van. They tried to pin it on me. Gave me a pretty good goin' over. Karen: Did you egg a cable van? Oscar: Today? No. Karen: OK, thanks. Oscar: I don't wanna go through that again. Hank: I need somebody to talk to. Oscar: Well, good luck finding somebody who gives crap. Peggy: We have another caller. Hank (phone): Yeah, I got this friend who egged the cable van... Peggy: We only take questions about pets. Hank (phone): I have this pet who egged the cable van... Wanda: Hey Brent. I just wanted to be the first to tell you that we're not doing the show together anymore. So, if you want the rest of the day off, I could cover for ya. Brent: Great. OK, thanks. I'll just finish the rest of this chili cheese dog that Lacey brought over for me. Then I gotta go over to my Mom's. She washed and folded my laundry for me. Buy hey, thanks for being the first to tell me about this show thing. Hank: You think free laundry, chili cheese dogs and takin' time off is really gonna help? Brent: Oh contraire, and I don't say that lightly, or with a decent accent. I think it could help a lot. Hank: It's just putting off the inevitable, you gotta face your problems head on and...you never saw me. Karen: Hey, Brent. Have you seen Hank? Brent: I was told I haven't. Karen: What's that mean? Davis: Hey, don't hassle the man Karen. The man who's gonna pick the show that gets produced, OK? Sorry for the trouble sir. Brent: OK, but you keep that lunatic away from me. Karen: Good work, Officer Suck-up. Davis: You gotta be nicer to Brent. Karen: I'm nice enough. Davis: Do you have to have your top button done up when you talk to him? Karen: What are you saying? Davis: I'm just saying that would it kill you to flirt with him? Karen: Um, yeah. Let's just find Hank and get this over with. Davis: At least take you hat off and let your hair down. Lacey: So, you know the log? Was that real or was the fire added digitally? Cable Guy: Oh, it's real, but here's the crazy thing about that log. It was shot in July. Lacey: Oh, wow. You know a lot about TV. Do you have any suggestions for a talk show? Cable Guy: Well, opinion's good, um, strong point of view. Cable Guy: Have you ever seen "Coach's Corner?" Emma: Don Cherry? Sure. Cable Guy: Like Don Cherry. Kinda lovable but gruff and cranky. Wanda: Who wants to listen to somebody spouting off? Oscar: Yeah, that's crappy. What do you know about TV? You come here, try and trick people and then you don't even know what's going on. Oscar: Hire talented people and then let them loose with it. Let them have fun with it. Oscar: It's about telling stories. Not resorting to the lowest common denomination, to draw people in with their stupid rants and opinions. Hank: I think Karen and Davis are on to me. Brent: Yeah, you better hide out in here. They'd never think to look for you in the bar. Hank: You know, it's like I got no way out. You know, like that movie with Kevin Costner? Brent: "No Way Out?" Hank: "Dances with Wolves." You know, he's trapped, he's gotta protect Whitney Houston but he's falling love with her. He had no way out, like me. Brent: Right, like that movie "Running out of Patience" starring me. Oscar: What are you doin' here? Wanda: Don't tell Emma, but I've got a proposition for you. Oscar: Hey, Emma and I sometimes fight but I take my marriage vows seriously. Wanda: Not that. Oh God, not that. I wanted you to be on my show. Oscar: Why would I be on your show? I can be on my own show. Wanda: Because a good show needs a likeable person and a cranky one. Oscar: And what are you going to be cranky about? Emma: What's going on here? Wanda: Nothing. I wasn't trying, wasn't even, you're out of your mind. Emma: What was that about? Oscar: Wanda wanted me to be on her show because I'm so damn likeable. Emma: You have no chemistry with her. You should do a show with someone you obviously have chemistry with. Oscar: Sure, but why would I do a show with Lacey? Lacey: Hey, Hank. Karen and Davis are lookin' for ya. Hank: Geez, they're like a couple of bloodhounds. Look, I gotta get outta town. I'll see you in a couple weeks when this all blows over. Lacey: OK. Karen: Hank, we need to talk. You know that someone egged the cable guy's van? Hank: Yeah, about that, see... Davis: And the description is close to you. Hank: Oh, hmm. Karen: So we put two and two together and thought that you would be perfect to star in our "Crimestoppers" video. Davis: Playing the criminal. Karen: In the reenactment of the crime. Davis: I'll be the on-air spokesperson. Wanda: Hey, Brent. Just wanted to apologize for yesterday. Trying to manipulate you into picking my show. Brent: No problem. Wanda: OK, now I want to apologize for that insincere apology just now. Brent: No problem. Karen: Hey, Brent. Do you mind if we shoot our TV thing in your parking lot? Brent: No, go ahead. Wanda: Strong decision Brent. Gutsy. Oh, I don't mean ah, guts like "you have a big gut", I mean, I meant lots of guts, but, not lots like a big gut. Do you lose weight? Davis: Karen, maybe now's a good time to... Karen: You can take your pants off if you want to. Just leave me out of it. Davis: Ooo, it's getting hot in here. Just let me know if there's anything I can do for you, Brent. Wanda: Do I at least get points for not creeping you out? Brent: Oh, yeah. Lacey: Hey, Oscar. So listen, I have an idea. Why don't you and I team up together and do a show? It could be fun. Oscar: No. Lacey: Oh, come on. Would you at least think about it? I could make it worth your while. Oscar: Lacey, chemistry or no chemistry, I'm happily married. Lacey: Oh no, no. Oscar, that it not what I meant. You know, and just for the record, that is never going to be what I meant. Ever. Just to be clear, never, ever. Brent: What's going on? Oscar: Not sure, getting mixed signals. Brent: Hey, thanks for the chili cheese dog. Lacey: Oh, yeah, I wanted to apologize for that. I know that you have a lot on your plate... Brent: OK, I know. I eat too much and I have a bit of a gut. Lacey: What? Oh Brent, you listen like your Dad. I don't think you have a gut. Brent: You coming on to me? Davis: I'm Sergeant Davis Quinton and welcome to "Dog River Crimestoppers." We're asking for your assistance in the solving of a crime. Take a look at this dramatic reenactment. Karen: OK, go Hank! Davis: Hey, c'mon. Put the camera on me. Brent: Thanks for agreeing to meet with me. What I wanted to say is, what's the big deal about a cable access show? Last week you couldn't have cared less. You guys have been fighting and arguing so much, you haven't even figured what the show's going to be. Look, TV is hard, from what I've read, and seen on TV when people talk about how hard it is. So, what do you say? Can you find a way to work this out? Please? I'm asking as someone who deeply didn't want to get involved in the first place. Think about it. Wanda: I'm a little embarrassed. Lacey: Me too. Emma: Yeah, Brent really has no clue. Lacey: He can't handle talent. Emma: You're both going down. Lacey: He's picking my show. Wanda: You're outta your mind. Davis: OK Hank, I think we got it. Hank: Yeah, that felt pretty good. I can do better though. Davis: C'mon, out the camera on me. Karen: Just let me get the egging. Davis: Put the camera on me now and that's an order, Rookie. Karen: I've been a cop for five years. Davis: I meant, rookie cameraman. Karen: Do it yourself then. Davis: C'mon, Karen! Karen! Hank: I'll keep practising. Lacey (video): Hi there. I'm Lacey Burrows. Wanda (video): I'm Wanda Dollard. Emma (video): Hello. I'm Emma Leroy. Wanda (video): Welcome, to a "View from Dog River." Lacey (video): "The View", Dog River style. Emma (video): A Dog River point of view. Wanda (video): And, and the show would be me talking... Lacey (video): Sort of me talking to people... Emma (video): Things that have a Dog River angle. Wanda (video): And guests. Lacey (video): There'd be some questions... Emma (video): I'd make it sort of interesting... Wanda (video): Don't have any for this presentation. Lacey (video): Um... Emma (video): There could even be an ostrich. Wanda (video): Riding around on an ostrich. Lacey (video): And something ostrichy, I was thinking... Brent: OK, so, none of those. Cable Guy: It's like they didn't even try. Maybe if they had all been on one show. Brent: My Dad made this one. God help us. Oscar (video): Hi, I'm Oscar Leroy and my show is called "Not Peggy's Stupid Pets!" Prompter (video): What's your show about? Oscar (video): Well, I'll tell you what it's not about. It's not about Peggy. It's not about pets and it's not stupid. Got that, jackass. Cable Guy: I don't think that the Comedy Network would air these. Brent: What was that? Hank: Oh hey, I didn't know you were in there. Justa, just practising in case of re-shoots. Hank: Hey, check it. Three months free cable for trying to help them catch the guy who egged their van. Brent: Well, I guess all's well that ends well. Hank: Yeah. Hey, that reminds me of that Shakespeare play, um... Brent: "Meatballs?" Hank: Yeah, something like that. Emma: Is it on yet? Wanda: Not yet. Oscar: Oh, pipe down everyone. I can't see what I'm watching. Karen: I wish Brent woulda told us which one he picked. Lacey: Oh, I think he wanted it to be a surprise. Wanda: I think he's was too chicken to say. Davis: Well whatever he chose, I for one will respect his opinion. Sent him a bottle of wine as a thank you for all of his hard work. Oscar: Oh, I think this is it. Everyone, put a sock in it! TV: And now, CableSask 10 presents, "A View from Dog River." Lacey: It's one of ours. Wanda: What the hell is this? Emma: Is it yours? Sure ain't mine. Lacey: OK, this is just stupid. Karen: I don't know. Wanda: It's kinda soothing. Davis: Yeah, peaceful. Lacey: Well, it's no fire log, that's for sure. All: Be quiet! Category:Transcripts